Love Letter To My Mom November 25, 2011

Dear Mom,

Today is not the 1st time you’ve crossed my mind in the past few weeks.  I thought of you when i put up my Christmas tree a few weeks earlier than most, remembering this was your favorite time of the year.  I remembered you as I slowly looked @ my Christmas List of gifts to buy, wrap & give but just as the Christmas spirit filled my heart & the nostalgia filled the air, i came to the realization that my wallet was smaller than my list.  Just as the bah humbug-ness started to set in, I remembered you.  I remembered how generous & giving you were.  How a gift given out of sacrifice no matter how big or how small it was, was the best gift of all…

I remember you @ random moments in my life.  Like when I hear a certain song, eat a certain dish or smell a certain smell.  I remember you when seeing certain people on FB that used to be important ppl in our lives & realize they are now just acquaintances.. Sometimes it seems that you were the glue that kept us all together.

I remember you when I look @ my sister.  She has a lot of your physical traits…  but more so because, she has that way of carrying a broken heart but slapping on a smile for the sake of those she loves.  And just as I did when I looked @ you back then, I know that I’m not enough to make it better.  But I know that on my knees, HE is  more than enough.

I remember you when I look @ my Dad.  How he’s aged & how he’s changed… and I wonder what you would look like today.  I see you in that spot he reserved in his heart.. It comes thru in his eyes @ times.  Even as a kid, I knew that my parents weren’t living the fairytale love affair… but I also had that child-like hope that happily ever after was still destined for the both of you…  Inspite of it all, I did see ‘love’.  I think that would’ve been enough.   Sometimes, I need to believe that when going thru rough patches in my marriage.  Love is enough.  That’s all that matters.

I remember you when I look @ my husband… wishing you got to know him better.  He’s a lot like you.  He’s that lover of life, glass half full kind of person.  I remember you throughout our marriage.  Through the good times wishing you were there to share them with us, and even through the bad times… wishing you were there to see me through.  Those are the times that keep me fighting for fairy tales & happily ever afters, because I know you would never give up.  I remember you, when we come out of the storms hand in hand knowing that love is enough.  God’s love.  The love that abounds when your heart gets weak.. The love that takes us to happily ever after.

I remember you when I look @ my son.   How I wish that he had met his Lola, who is super bait, super pretty & just a Superwoman all around.  I pray that I can whittle a little bit of that power that you had over me so that I can instill that same goodness, selflessness & love into his heart when he looks @ me, just as I felt as I looked @ you… and as I feel as you are remembered.

These are just some of the many moments you’ve crossed my mind.  I think I carry you everywhere.  I still hear your voice in my everyday… I thank God that you are still ever present thru every moment my heart beats.  I miss you Mom.  I remember you today, your birthday.  I celebrate you not with  balloons, candles or fanfare, but with admiration, longing, gratitude & love.  I know that the angels rejoice today & the heavens resound because they celebrate you.

Happy birthday Mommy! 

I miss you more than you know!

i am superwoman… May 8, 2010

leaving work on Friday, i was so overjoyed for one, because I had survived a whole week without calling in sick.  the past few months have been pretty rough for me – healthwise, that a whole week straight is such a big accomplishment for me.  and trust me, i have been tempted throughout the whole week to break my streak.

all these issues have made me cynical and have forced me into random bouts of self-pity.. which is so not like me.  even when i’m @ the lowest of lows i’m usually one to say “screw you – messed up life! you aren’t going to bring me down  – cuz i am super woman!”  hahaha!! ok maybe not quite as dramatic but my point is, i am usually faithful in… faith.  you know? faith that @ your lowest things can only get better.  but not as of late…

lately when i take a look @ my life I see twists that i never would’ve chosen if i were in control… turns, that i never would’ve taken if I had known better… consequences for actions that weren’t even my own, and predicaments that lay before me that i never once asked for. i’ve realized that i am not superwoman but merely human.

maybe it’s the fact that my birthday is just around the corner, that i’m shedding that feeling of invincibility brought on by youth.  all i know is i’ve suddenly become more aware of the trials i’ve been thru thus far, those that i see on the horizon and what kind of person these have made me become.  am i purely just cynical or just humanly able to feel the consequences of loss?  am i angry/hurt or do these things give my heart reason to beat harder and stronger?  am i faithless or so faithful that my dreams take flight before my reality catches up to them? am i thankful still?

walking into the elevator, my co-worker walks in… he lost his daughter in a fatal collision involving a drunk driver not too long ago.  i know what it’s like to lose a child and everytime i see him I can’t help but wonder what his life is like.  is he still grieving? has he moved on? is he angry/hurt? faithless?   the elevator door closes and i say,  “another day – we survived.”  and he says w/ a smile, “thank God for Friday’s – life is good!”
He’s thankful… still.

i may not be superwoman but i know that cliche as it may sound, things do happen for a reason.  the trials i’ve been through have made me believe that yes, I am strong enough, super enough and faithful enough to face whatever lies ahead.. because i know that i am not alone.  I am thankful for a God who sees me through, who helps me testify that yes, i survived – yes i am human – yes i am thankful because He is more than enough.

Happy 37th Birthday to me!
Life is good…
…and i’m thankful still. 🙂

introspective, retrospective & grateful… May 11, 2008

thank God for the blessing of another year in my life.
for the blessings that You give me inspite of my shortcomings… for Your grace & Your mercy & Your unconditional love that abounds always. forgive me Lord for the many times when I have not been pleasing in Your eyes. I pray that in all things You go before me, directing my path to lead me in the direction that You have willed for my life. i know that You put me on this earth for a purpose. i know that everything that has passed (both good & bad) was all a part of Your perfect plan. help me to see Your wisdom even in my darkest hours & to find the will to rejoice in those times because You have never forsaken me. help me to take a moment to profess gratitude even in the littlest things… the air we breathe, the friends we keep the love we share & in the blessings of each & every new day. help me Lord to look to You in all things & not to man. i pray that in all things & in every way that You reach out to me, Your voice will resound in my heart so that I can hear You. I thank & praise You Lord. I am nothing without You. I look forward to tomorrow because I know…
Your ways are perfect.
_______________________

it’s Mother’s day once again. It’s a bittersweet feeling to have such a day where Mother’s are honored because , I miss my mom more than words can say… sometimes, I feel a little cheated because my mom is no longer here with me. i feel that there are times that i took her for granted because i always believed that a mother’s love is unconditional. i didn’t have today but i knew that i’d always have tomorrow to make it up to her & she would love me just the same. i’m older now (officially another year older today ) & i am walking in her shoes as I raise a child of my own & at times struggling in a path that was seemingly simple when she walked on it. i know she had struggles even if she never voiced them. to be truthful, at times i thought she was weak… because she allowed herself to get buried in her struggles. i believed i was smarter than her because, i could see behind her smile. but i know now, that a forced smile amidst a heavily-burdened heart is the heroic feat of a strong, caring & unselfish soul. i know she’s not with me now because she only needed a few years on earth to gain her wings in heaven.
i miss you mom & i love you more than words can say.

lastly, i am so very blessed by this wonderful son of mine who makes me oh-so proud to be his mommy. thank you Lord for my ‘lil mister’. he is more than enough – he was crafted perfectly in the eyes of a Father who saw the love in two people who never stood a chance the moment his eyes met ours 7 years ago.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. You are beautiful & you are loved!!