Today is not the 1st time you’ve crossed my mind in the past few weeks.  I thought of you when i put up my Christmas tree a few weeks earlier than most, remembering this was your favorite time of the year.  I remembered you as I slowly looked @ my Christmas List of gifts to buy, wrap & give but just as the Christmas spirit filled my heart & the nostalgia filled the air, i came to the realization that my wallet was smaller than my list.  Just as the bah humbug-ness started to set in, I remembered you.  I remembered how generous & giving you were.  How a gift given out of sacrifice no matter how big or how small it was, was the best gift of all…

I remember you @ random moments in my life.  Like when I hear a certain song, eat a certain dish or smell a certain smell.  I remember you when seeing certain people on FB that used to be important ppl in our lives & realize they are now just acquaintances.. Sometimes it seems that you were the glue that kept us all together.

I remember you when I look @ my sister.  She has a lot of your physical traits…  but more so because, she has that way of carrying a broken heart but slapping on a smile for the sake of those she loves.  And just as I did when I looked @ you back then, I know that I’m not enough to make it better.  But I know that on my knees, HE is  more than enough.

I remember you when I look @ my Dad.  How he’s aged & how he’s changed… and I wonder what you would look like today.  I see you in that spot he reserved in his heart.. It comes thru in his eyes @ times.  Even as a kid, I knew that my parents weren’t living the fairytale love affair… but I also had that child-like hope that happily ever after was still destined for the both of you…  Inspite of it all, I did see ‘love’.  I think that would’ve been enough.   Sometimes, I need to believe that when going thru rough patches in my marriage.  Love is enough.  That’s all that matters.

I remember you when I look @ my husband… wishing you got to know him better.  He’s a lot like you.  He’s that lover of life, glass half full kind of person.  I remember you throughout our marriage.  Through the good times wishing you were there to share them with us, and even through the bad times… wishing you were there to see me through.  Those are the times that keep me fighting for fairy tales & happily ever afters, because I know you would never give up.  I remember you, when we come out of the storms hand in hand knowing that love is enough.  God’s love.  The love that abounds when your heart gets weak.. The love that takes us to happily ever after.

I remember you when I look @ my son.   How I wish that he had met his Lola, who is super bait, super pretty & just a Superwoman all around.  I pray that I can whittle a little bit of that power that you had over me so that I can instill that same goodness, selflessness & love into his heart when he looks @ me, just as I felt as I looked @ you… and as I feel as you are remembered.

These are just some of the many moments you’ve crossed my mind.  I think I carry you everywhere.  I still hear your voice in my everyday… I thank God that you are still ever present thru every moment my heart beats.  I miss you Mom.  I remember you today, your birthday.  I celebrate you not with  balloons, candles or fanfare, but with admiration, longing, gratitude & love.  I know that the angels rejoice today & the heavens resound because they celebrate you.

Happy birthday Mommy! 

I miss you more than you know!

all these issues have made me cynical and have forced me into random bouts of self-pity.. which is so not like me.  even when i’m @ the lowest of lows i’m usually one to say “screw you – messed up life! you aren’t going to bring me down  – cuz i am super woman!”  hahaha!! ok maybe not quite as dramatic but my point is, i am usually faithful in… faith.  you know? faith that @ your lowest things can only get better.  but not as of late…

lately when i take a look @ my life I see twists that i never would’ve chosen if i were in control… turns, that i never would’ve taken if I had known better… consequences for actions that weren’t even my own, and predicaments that lay before me that i never once asked for. i’ve realized that i am not superwoman but merely human.

maybe it’s the fact that my birthday is just around the corner, that i’m shedding that feeling of invincibility brought on by youth.  all i know is i’ve suddenly become more aware of the trials i’ve been thru thus far, those that i see on the horizon and what kind of person these have made me become.  am i purely just cynical or just humanly able to feel the consequences of loss?  am i angry/hurt or do these things give my heart reason to beat harder and stronger?  am i faithless or so faithful that my dreams take flight before my reality catches up to them? am i thankful still?

walking into the elevator, my co-worker walks in… he lost his daughter in a fatal collision involving a drunk driver not too long ago.  i know what it’s like to lose a child and everytime i see him I can’t help but wonder what his life is like.  is he still grieving? has he moved on? is he angry/hurt? faithless?   the elevator door closes and i say,  “another day – we survived.”  and he says w/ a smile, “thank God for Friday’s – life is good!”
He’s thankful… still.

i may not be superwoman but i know that cliche as it may sound, things do happen for a reason.  the trials i’ve been through have made me believe that yes, I am strong enough, super enough and faithful enough to face whatever lies ahead.. because i know that i am not alone.  I am thankful for a God who sees me through, who helps me testify that yes, i survived – yes i am human – yes i am thankful because He is more than enough.

Happy 37th Birthday to me!
Life is good…
…and i’m thankful still.

this was an old post found in my drafts…. may as well publish – lol

i wanted a fish for my desk… but, as the hubs can attest, i am not very good at having pets.  yes, even a simple, unassuming goldfish is in extreme danger of living a short & uneventul life in my hands.  fish are tricky little creatures.. they look like they are as low-maintenance as pets come but i’ve come to realize that that is one of the biggest misconceptions known to those that think they know better – aka “me”.  :p

we got Lil’Mister an aquarium for his bedroom 2 years ago.. it’s really cool to watch his 9 goldfish swim around the Spongebob tank.. it’s very calming really. that is, until the water gets murky & the 9 goldfish become 7  (one is nowhere to be found, while the other – a fish carcass lying in the corner of the tank, visibly eaten by another).  Lil’Mister has sent many a goldfish down (the toilet) to fish heaven that it doesn’t even phase him anymore.  He flushes them down then we go to the store & pick out another.  they’re like disposable pets.

so i was thinking of maybe getting a betta fish for my desk. they’re all uniquely, different & beautiful in their own way.  but then  i realize that if the water isn’t changed those little creatures can stink up a whole room.  and suddenly, they just sorta lose their appeal..   i dunno what is about me & pets.  i have the biggest heart for them but i am so very bad at being a good “parent”.  i go in with the best of intentions only to feel defeated in the end *sigh*.

this Christmas, while looking for a gift for my co-workers I finally found them.. my forever friends that i befittingly named, Infinity & Beyond.  they are so incredibly calming, uniquely different & beautiful in their own way.  the best thing about them is i can do no wrong & there will be  no fish heaven in their future.   i love my new fishies.  they are the perfect no-nonsense, no-pressure wonderfully low-maintenance wonders ever.

1 week later, they stopped swimming but they still floated in their tank & still had that wonderfully, calming effect on me.  i told myself they’d be fine until i could replace the batteries.. another week went by & the water evaporated until the tank was completely dry.   Infinity & Beyond lay lifeless @ the bottom.  i managed to do it again.  they were dead & visions of fish heaven taunted me.  yikes! i killed my fake fish.  lol how pathetic is that? so, this is them reincarnated.  no one really has to know.  one day, i’ll WILL get it down & i can graduate to live fish.  you’ll see.

…and since this post I have become the proud parent of an oh-so awesome lil’rat terrier named Bowser.. see! i’m growing up!

Filed under: banter

Me & My Lil'Mister

Lil’Mister: What does Resurrection mean?
Mommy: Well, literally it means to rise from the dead…
Lil’Mister: Like zombies????
Mommy: (LOL!) No silly! Jesus died on the cross to redeem us (wash away our sins) & rose again with the promise of life everlasting.
Lil’Mister: *phew*  That is way better than zombies!!

Have a Happy & Blessed Easter!

Halleluiah!  Jesus is Alive!

and now I’m here & aside from some idle small “talk”… i have nothing to say.  or maybe too much say that it dwindles down to nothing @ all.  so here i am with nothing but senseless banter to offer. not in the mood to write but in desperate need to declutter my brain….

stay tuned

maybe they’re just props to motivate the squishy such as myself, like the superstars on magazine racks that the world tries to emulate.  or maybe they’re strategically placed to infuriate the gushy folk to  make that extra effort/extra lap/extra crunch/extra bead of sweat just to prove that they have nothing over them.

here i am sweating up a storm, barely breaking a steady jogging pace – trying hard to keep the jiggles from jiggling too much, while they saunter by in their matching pink or purple exercise gear – taunting me with their hard bodies,  as if to say – “i just am because i am, no sweat!”.

the decision to renew my gym membership did not come easy.  i had to break out the calculator, the paystubs, the daily schedules, give myself multiple pep talks & find myself one outfit that not only fit the budget but concealed the bulge.  it’s a lot of fuss i tell you.  and i hate making a fuss… but as all important things are,  it’s necessary.  did the stick figures have to go thru that same rigamaroll and if so… why do they subject themselves when they are already so beautifully perfect?

so i tell myself, as i progressively get weak in the knees that there could only be one explanation… the stick figures have a screw loose.  that has to be it.  because no one in their right mind would want to be there day in & day out if they didn’t have to, right?  i know I for one, would have better things to do if i were beautifully perfect.

i look @ old photographs of my skinnier self, distinctly remembering how i thought i was a big fat cow back then too.  now a good 20 lbs heavier, i wonder if I had a screw loose.  i wonder if the stick figure knows that she’s perfect.  it would be a sad thing if one day, all the jiggles disappear & the squishy is no longer gushy & i would still find no satisfaction in what i see in the mirror.  is it just a never-ending cycle?  will the stick-figure ME realize that i may have been beautifully perfect all along?

a part of me wants to walk up to the stick figures & tell them how beautiful they are.  even if just to stop the madness.  maybe that way they’ll realize their being there is unnecessary.  then they won’t be hogging up all the equipment or continually making me feel inadequate when their stick legs float across the treadmill as my thick legs drop with a thud.  maybe if i tell them, one day when the stick figure is me, someone else will have the forthright to tell me what a fool i’ve been all along.

...and then, he laughs @ me!

maybe, just maybe, i’m someone else’s stick figure with a screw loose; even as i speak.  all of a sudden there’s a spring in my step & my legs soar lighter than a feather.  and i realize.  it’s not the jiggles, the gush or the squish that packs the gym – it’s the inner stick figure that shines thru the mirror when u stop trying to be, but accepting that you ARE…

… beautifully perfect.

wow! it’s been a while since i’ve been here.  major changes in the world of WordPress i must say.  impressive, confusing & frustrating all rolled into one but i guess that’s one of the consequences of neglecting my blog for so long.   so just as change comes with every new year, here comes change in the world of jigglybitz – lol!  so here’s my new layout.  it only took my a minute to get things working like i want it to… a minute & forever and a day!  i’m not even sure if i like it yet, but i’m too tired & frustrated to do anymore to it.  & i’ve messed with it too much to turn back.  so, I guess this is how it’s gonna be until I have the courage to mess with it again. 

so 2008 came & went & i didn’t even get a chance to write a little farewell to it.. give it a little fanfare or acknowledge it’s departure.  and while i’m all for looking ahead i feel a little guilty for not giving 2008 it’s due respect.  so, here goes…

Dear 2008,

You have been a weird yet extraordinary year.  In the world around me, the economy fluctuated & continues to falter, gas prices reached an all-time high of just under $5.00/gal, we had a woman presidential & vice presidential candidate, the 1st black presidential hopeful & the other being the oldest.  There was news of a pregnant “man”, untimely deaths & extraordinary births.  Huge corporations shut their doors & real estate plumetted (mine, being the most noteworthy to me ).

On a more personal note, this was another year of hopes & dreams.  Hopes attained & dreams fulfilled yet one that has also left me hoping & dreaming some more.  This was another year in my life (35), another year in my marriage (11), another year with my love (13) & another year with my Lil’Mister (7).   This was also another year without my mom (11) & without my angel (9) yet, inspite of that this has been another year that i took comfort in knowing my heart is fuller because they are always with me.

2008, i can’t say that you’ve exactly been a bowl of cherries everyday & always; but i can say that you’ve allowed me to make mistakes, to live & to grow.  i thank you because you allowed me to experience pain if only to appreciate the happiness that followed.  I thank you for giving then taking away just so that I can realize that His ways are perfect.   i thank you because you allowed my heart to hurt & to harden only so the wall can be chipped away by the ones who love me most.  I thank you for the financial burdens you brought only to help me realize how blessed I am to have a job & to have food on the table & a roof above my head.  I thank you for the frustration & the reluctance & the grumbling you allowed me, only to be washed away by the joy that comes with serving the Lord even after a hard day’s work.  i thank you for the feelings of dissatisfaction that loomed on that proverbial rainy day, so that in my worthlessness I can find those that find me worthy.  i thank you for letting me vote for the one man who would lose in the end, only to remind me that I am free to have an opinion.

so 2008, while you’re officially in the past you’ve set 2009 in motion.
Thank you for the promise of change that keeps me hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

Cheers to 2009.  Blessings & prosperity to one & all!

Happy Sunday!

Driving to church today, Lil’Mister & I agreed that he would go to “big” church today instead of Sunday School..just to keep mommy company since daddy was out of town.  He was such a perfect gentleman who promised his dad that he would take care of mom while he was gone.

On the way to church I asked him if he wanted to take Communion like the adults?  He thought it was the most exciting concept so we decided that he would honor God by not only sitting quietly & listening to the service but by taking Communion just like Mommy always had.

Lil’Mister: Mom? What’s Communion?
Mommy: Well remember in Sunday School & Awana you learned that Jesus died for our sins & that we are saved by His blood?
Lil’Mister:For God so loved the world that he gave His one & only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life! I know that verse Mom!
Mommy: Exactly! Well during Communion the little piece of bread symbolizes the body of Christ. By taking the bread we acknowledge that Jesus sacrificed His life so that we can be saved.
Lil’Mister:Just like John 3:16!
Mommy: Yes exactly.  The 2nd part of Communion is the cup of juice that symbolizes the blood of Jesus.  By drinking the juice we acknowledge that when Jesus died on the cross He washed away our sins.
Lil’Mister:Just like 1st Corinthians 15:3!
Mommy: Wow that’s great Rian.  So when you take the bread & the cup, you’ll remember how much Jesus loved us.  It’s a very special part of church.
Lil’Mister:Ok Mom.  I can do that.

Lil’Mister sat quietly during the service, fidgeting every so often but pretty behaved for the most part.  Then the Pastor said it was time to take Communion & he explained what it was all about.  Lil’Mister gave me a knowing look & smiled… “just like we talked about Mom”.  He takes the piece of bread & drinks the cup of juice.

**pause/brief silence**

...is where the heart is.

when i was little i always thought that our house was the best house ever.  chipped paint & all it stood out amongst the rest on the block.  how could it not with it’s bright, lime green paint  blinding every passerby on the ever so cracked sidewalk lining the block we called home?  our house was not majestic or palacial, nor was it a home fit for a king.  but it had, um…. character.

the living room had green carpet & green wallpaper covering the one MAIN wall.  actually, as a child i remember before the green wallpaper, we had a HUGE wall to wall mural of a mountainscape plastered to the wall for all to um…. admire. we had white Victorian furniture (the kind dollhouses are crafted after)  & ours had an extra special flare… it was covered in plastic.  you wouldn’t dare take a nap on the couch for fear of having to peel yourself off of it.  i never really did understand my mom’s style.  we had geisha dolls on the piano, peacocks on the wall, trinkets from Graceland on the shelves & a white floor lamp shaped like a blossoming flower.

the basement had character of it’s own.  it had wall to wall disco red carpeting, an extra bedroom, an office, a bar & a laundry room.  it was the coolest place (temperature-wise) in the house.  it was the darkest when the lights were off – much like a cave, so that was where my mom hibernated after her 3rd 16 hour shift in a row.

when you took the time to sit quietly in the house, you would actually be able to hear it creak… i was convinced that that house was haunted… and i prayed each night that if there was a ghost he/she would let us live harmoniously as one big happy family…ghost & all.  and i guess we had some sort of unspoken agreement because aside from the creaking & what i could’ve sworn were footsteps – he/she never crossed the boundaries my imagination would allow me to believe.

i don’t know what it is about childhood & a child’s perception that changes when you become an adult.  i pass by the house every time i’m in town.  i get a little nostalgic each & every time yet somehow, the house looks smaller, more plain & less extraordinary than i had remembered.  i think i saw it in a movie once (not sure which one) but I imagine how great it would be if i had tons of money (of course, cuz my childhood home MUST be worth tons of money) & how i would walk up the front doorsteps, ring the doorbell & tell the person who answers that i want to buy my house back.  i imagine the owner saying, “oh but it’s not for sale”.  then in true movie-like fashion i whip out my checkbook & with an exaggerated wink, i say, “oh but it is… how much?”

on a recent boring night i decided to Google my childhood address.  my house, THE house is for sale.  all of a sudden, i knew i had to have it.   it was bank-owned, no longer lime green & looked dilapidated & sad.  Sad like an orphaned puppy, which made me want it even more.   so i drafted the possibilites in my mind & after long deliberation, i realized that there were NO possibitites. was i crazy?  after all, what would i do with it?  i guess a part of me believes that my childhood, my memories & my mom are all wrapped up in that little house and i remind myself that all of those were never left there, but are with me always – no matter where life takes me.

underneath the new coat of paint is still that creaky old house, full of character that we called home.. and i do hope my orphaned little house finds life once again.

we crack each other up!

On a typical weekend drive home, Lil’Mister was playing with his Super Mario Bros action figures while I was busy driving & daydreaming at the same time. I would glance at him every so often & chuckled to myself as he made voices for each character & played out a normal Super Mario Bros scenario, imagined by his 7 year old mind.

It was a typical day, highlighted by our typical banter:

Lil’Mister: Hey Mom! Guess where my mario action figures are made.
Mommy: Hmmmm.. not sure babe.. where?
Lil’Mister:It says, Made in China!
Mommy: Oh yeah! that’s cuz that’s where they make Super Mario stuff.. like your backpack. That was made in China.
Lil’Mister:So Mario was born in China?
Mommy: Yeah, I guess so.

**pause/brief silence**